PREFACE TO PESSIMISTIC VIKINGS PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE OF VIKINGS FOOTBALL (PART ONE)
We like long prefaces. If you do not, skip ahead to the predictions a few scrolls down.
The hallmark of following our Minnesota Vikings is a ubiquitous sense of dread. We have seen horrific events unfold to destroy our best hopes. They have been so frequent and notable that we only require a few words to instantly turn our stomachs: Darren Nelson (the pick and the pass), 12 men, Gary's One Miss, 41-Donut, The Interception, Favre's Phone--and we can just stop there for now.
The uncanny turns the Vikings take to destroy our football joy are either some uncanny glitch in the universe or the musings of a brilliant dramatist. Did God assign Shakespeare to write the Vikings? Did he say, "Hey, Bill--beat Hamlet and Lear. You've got 500 years to do find a way."
And here we are.
Local media maven Dan Barreiro sums it all up much more succinctly: "You just can't make this stuff up."
Or can we? We keep thinking the same thing lately: "I feel like I've seen this before." Week 1, Week 2, Week 3--any real difference? And that Week 3 choke to the Lions brought everything full circle: it was 20 seasons previous that the Vikings blew a 20-3 lead to the Lions--the introductory choke job for Vikings fans now in their late 20s and early 30s.
The sense of deja vu has reached the point where we know it must pass on to our kids. We'll even start them early. Whenever these things happen (say it to yourself--it helps during another blood vessel-popping Sunday: "These things happen"), we can have our kids turn to us and say, "I feel like you've seen this before."
So as a service to future generations, we offer our fearless predictions for the next few years of Vikings Football. Due to both Packer Week and General Vikings Fan Neurosis (GVFN), it should come as no surprise that many of these have a large dose of green and gold.
Collins, Crosby Turn Purple (5:1)
For the second time in a decade, a Green Bay Packers kicker and safety have chosen to cross the river. In Brad Childress's first offseason, the kicker was Ryan Longwell and the safety was Darren Sharper. Early Saturday, the Vikings confirmed they had reached terms with Mason Crosby and Nick Collins.
"We're thrilled to add such quality guys to our team. I'm especially thrilled about Nick. It will be great to see a lame duck throw do something more than just slip through our hands and fall in between the hash marks again. If he's healthy enough, we might even get a Pick-6 or a big turnover at a key moment."
Members of the Vikings defense were confused by Frazier's comments.
"I couldn't even explain what a Pick-6 or a big turnover is," said Chad Greenway. "I'll watch some film with Cedric and get back to you on this one."
Collins is expected to have at least one high-impact season for the Vikings in which he forces several key turnovers and scores multiple defensive touchdowns. It is too early to predict whether or not he will follow a great first season with two invisible, low-effort seasons and then sign with another team to offer them a wonderful first season followed by another cycle of putrid play.
Crosby, though the less heralded decision, could pay big dividends.
"Consistency hasn't been our strong suit over the years," Owner Zigi Wilf said on Tuesday, "but we know that Mason can bring that. Ryan Longwell was about the only thing we could count on. Now that he's gone off to the PGA, we figured why not give it another go with a Packers kicker."
Vikings Forfeit #1 Draft Choice for Bounty on Rodgers (8:1)
In Adrian Peterson's rookie year, he was forced from a game against the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field after taking a helmet-to-knee hit from Al Harris. In the hit's aftermath, reports indicated that Harris and other Green Bay defensive players had offered a bounty for knocking Peterson out of the game. Packers players denied the report, and the NFL decided no further investigation was required.
In Sunday afternoon's Week 7 game against the Packers, a key player on a streak as dominant as Peterson's rookie campaign was knocked out of the game. As Aaron Rodgers was taken from the field by stretcher, fans and players alike stood silently, wondering what damage Rodgers might suffer with his third concussion in two seasons. Later that evening, a Twitter message from Vikings Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe suggested he had paid Robison and Allen a handsome reward for the hit.
It took only a day for NFL investigators to descend upon Winter Park. By Thursday, officials issued a statement: "We have confirmed reports that Minnesota Vikings players offered a bounty for knocking Rodgers from the game. Seven players have been confirmed to have paid two Vikings defensive players a grand total of $25,000 for their actions. These actions created a significant threat to the long-term health of an NFL player, and the NFL has issued significant consequences to the Vikings organization. As a result of this incident, Jared Allen and Brian Robison are suspended for the duration of the 2011 season and the Minnesota Vikings will forfeit their 1st round pick in the 2012 NFL Draft."
As a team, the Vikings managed only two sacks without Allen and Robison. The Vikings went on to finish 1-15 and would have qualified for the #1 overall pick and the chance to select Andrew Luck, largely viewed as the greatest quarterback prospect to enter the league since Payton Manning. The Indianapolis Colts will select #1 in place of the Vikings forfeited selection.
Rodgers missed the entire season, but the Packers staid afloat, streaking through the playoffs to its second consecutive Super Bowl title.
McNabb Leads Packers Comeback over Saints (10:1)
*See above "Bounty & Forfeit" prediction for context
What a difference three months can make. When the Green Bay Packers watched MVP candidate Aaron Rodgers crumple between Vikings Defensive Ends Jared Allen and Brian Robison, no one could have predicted who their new quarterback would be and where he came from. Later that week, the Packers announced that Rodgers would be shut down for the entire season and postseason with another concussion. On the same day, the Vikings announced that they had released Donovan McNabb. He flew to Green Bay and signed that Friday and started the Packers' Week 9 game. Following the Packers Week 8 bye, McNabb threw for 3 touchdowns and a 100.3 passer rating to lead the Packers to a 35 -31 win over the Chargers.
McNabb, who had once broken Packers fans' hearts with the infamous 4-26 conversion against the Packers in the 2003-2004 NFC Divisional Playoff game, has now offered another heroic playoff performance, this time trading Eagles green and silver for Packers green and gold. Green Bay has a new folk hero, a new memory in its stories history as McNabb led his team back from a 31-14 deficit at the 11 minute mark of the 4th quarter.
McNabb has faced long odds in the past several seasons that have found him floundering with the Eagles, Redskins, and Vikings before finally rejuvenating his career with the Packers. In the fourth quarter, he faced perhaps his biggest challenge yet, down 17 points with eight minutes to go against a Saints defense that has made their reputation with physical blows to opposing quarterbacks in key playoff games.
The once-beleaguered quarterback admitted no nerves about the situation. "I did what I always do. Just kept smiling, clapping my hands. I threw a few balls in the grass, a few balls behind guys that they had to reach for, but my guys made the plays, and we got it done."
McNabb's QB rating had a paltry passer rating of 80 with the Vikings, but his rating soared to 101.7 with the Packers talented receiving core and Mike McCarthy's wide open offense. "With Jermichael, Jennings, Driver, Nelson, Cobb--there are so many weapons to choose. You can tell this team knows how to find the talent."
The comeback's first strike came with a 37 yard Jermichael Finley touchdown over the middle. "He's my safety valve," McNabb said of Finley. "One of the best in the game."
On the ensuing kickoff, McCarthy called for a gutsy on-side kick that was required by rookie receiver Randall Cobb. "He's been our X-factor," McCarthy said about the second rounder from Kentucky. "He's a small guy with a big heart."
A play after the onside kick recovery, McNabb hit a streaking Jordy Nelson for a 53 yard score. McNabb described his view on the play, "The crazy thing is, he didn't look that open when I let the ball go. In past situations, I'd be hesitant to throw the ball to a jersey with number 87 on it, but that's just Jordy. He finds ways to get open when you don't even think he can."
The comeback culminated not with McNabb, but with Cobb again making his presence felt on special teams. After Clay Matthews drew an illegal hands to the face penalty that set the saints back 10 yards, Drew Brees was unable to find an open receiver and through a pass out of bounds. On the Saints ensuing punt, Cobb juked past Tracy Porter (who recently lost his starting spot in the Saints defensive backfield) and ran untouched 72 yards down the sideline. The Packers led 35-31 and stopped a final 4-26 play by the Saints to end the Saints attempt at a comeback.
After the game, McCarthy lauded his players for their perseverance. "For the second year in a row, we've faced injuries that would derail any other team, but with these guys, we just come up aces."
The Packers will play surprising the Kansas City Chiefs, the AFC Cinderella, in Super Bowl on February 5th
[DISCLAIMER: The following prediction is not meant to besmirch the reputation of the fortunate football franchise in the fine state lying just to our east, its players, its management, or its fan ownership. It IS meant to predict on and comment on how any turn in the fortunes of the Minnesota and Wisconsin franchises that apparently benefits Minnesota will ALWAYS begin astonishingly well for the Minnesota franchise before imploding in the most spectacular and poetically absurd fashion conceivable.
Vikings LB Matthews Tests Positive for PEDs (3:1)
Only 12 hours after being named 2014 NFL Defensive Player of the Year, Vikings Linebacker Clay Matthews tested positive for 11 different banned substances including HGH, cocaine, and three different kinds of amphetamines all linked to a meth lab in the northern suburbs of Minneapolis.
The report comes on the heels of Matthews' enigmatic record-breaking performance in the Vikings' loss to the Lions in the NFC title game. After picking up his 8th sack of the game in the third quarter, Matthews flexed his muscles, pulled an electric clipper from his sock, removed his helmet and shaved his trademark long hair while screaming Korn lyrics and moshing into Lions quarterback Matthew Stafford. Following his bizarre actions, Matthews was flagged for three unsportsmanlike conduct penalties and then ejected from the game. Multiple Silverdome security guards Tazered Matthews before managing to remove him from the field.
In a press conference at Winter Park this morning, a tearful Matthews admitted to a variety of misdeeds: taking Jagerbombs from a teammate's mouth guard in the huddle, stealing wireless from a neighbor, voting for Dick Cheney via write-in during the 2008 election, eating trans fats, talking obnoxiously on a bluetooth while sitting in an airport terminal, punching his kittens to "pump them up" before throwing them into a dog fight, and admiring Gary Busey. He also recounted a story of how he recently sent text messages to first lady Ann Romney that contained obscene photos Aaron Rodgers took of himself during the 2010 season.
When asked about whether or not he engaged in any of these activities or used PEDS while playing with the Packers, he put his hand on his shaved head and said, "I can't look at the past. I've got to go just one day. One day."
Matthews signed with the Vikings following the Packers' third consecutive Super Bowl title, declaring at his opening press conference, "I need a new challenge. I've come to bring a relentless pass rushing and a title to the long-suffering fans of Minnesota."
Matthews' production increased with the Vikings, notching 43 sacks and 11 forced fumbles in his first two seasons with the club. In hind sight, such a high level of play-after-play energy would have been unlikely without the aid of stimulants.
"At got to a point," Matthews said, "where I just needed the coke and meth to play like I knew my team needed to play. Then the HGH helped me recover after being drilled in the neck a dozen times by a 6-8 lineman every week. I guess the game against Detroit showed the monster just getting out of control. The energy I bring--they said it wasn't human. Adrenaline and the hair just weren't enough."
When reached for comment, Fox Sports commentator and Packer shill Troy Aikman said, "I always said Clay Matthews was a hybrid between Lawrence Taylor and Lyle Alzado. No one could have seen this coming. I guess it shows how wearing that Vikings purple can corrupt an otherwise wonderful young man." Regarding the photos of Rodgers, Aikman said, "The thing I really feel bad about is that Aaron was somehow dragged into this. If a guy's a Packer, we know he's done nothing wrong. And if he did do anything wrong, the Green Bay community would never put up with it."
